Once upon a time there were a small boy and girl who were building a sand castle on the beach. They spent hours building towers, walls, and a moat. Slowly as they were building the castle the tide kept creeping in closer.
Finally after working on this castle for most of the morning a big wave came in and wiped it all away. An adult who was watching all of this, was at first feeling sorry for the children because of all the work they had put into building the castle. Then the adult saw the children hold hands and run together laughing down the beach. It was then that the adult realized that although it is fun building empires (or network marketing organizations), the lasting fun, is having friends with whom you can continue to laugh and be with, after all that you go through together.
The following article is written by Brian Klemmer.
Through Brian, his committed Staff and the Workshops that his Company “Klemmer & Associates” has put together, we personally have realized our true potential as a whole person, through being a wife, husband, parent and business leaders. We recommend you read the articles and books Brian has written and can’t say enough about how powerful and life changing the “Klemmer & Associates” Workshops, are on the journey to becoming a better you. Remember, life is a journey not a destination.
Brian’s Workshops inspired the Video Bootcamp we have put together for you.
The Poison in All Relationships
Not only are relationships the key to building your network marketing business, they are
a key to a fulfilling life. The following is a very self-destructive thought process or paradigm that gets in the way of relationships. It is covered in more depth in the third chapter of my best selling book “If How To’s Were Enough, We Would All be Skinny, Rich and Happy”. It affects all your relationships both professionally and personally. By destructive, I mean it is the biggest reason for turnover in this industry. It costs you lots of money whether you are aware of it or not. It ruins communication and teamwork. It is the root behind all divorce. It costs businesses millions of dollars with no exaggeration. It causes loneliness and will even create physical illness in the body of the person who thinks this way. It is like drinking poison. And yet the odds are you do it everyday. To reduce this thought process in your life and in your network marketing business will pay you big dividends. The thought process we are speaking about is called “THE 3R’S”
RESENTMENT – RESISTANCE – REVENGE
RESENTMENT: Any emotional reaction we view as negative to what we think was said or done
RESISTANCE: Cutting off communication or pulling up a wall
REVENGE: The attempt to get even
What are some emotions that would fit the definition of resentment? Anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy, hate? Your spouse squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle and you get irritated. You travel a long way to do a home presentation and there are very few of the guests that were promised to be there actually present. You put your all into a distributor to develop them and then they quit the business or break off from supporting you. Someone exaggerates a claim to you. The home office isn’t responsive to one of your concerns. The examples are countless. Resentment is a natural part of life. Life is full of situations where we experience resentment. I say this because some people believe or are programmed that resentment is inherently bad. Resentment is not bad. It is a fact of life. There is no network marketing company you can be a part of and not experience resentment. If you think it is bad you suppress it and then get mad because you are mad! You are then in an endless cycle – a computer do loop. Since resentment is inevitable, the real question is “how are you going to handle resentment?” There are ways that work for you and ways that work against you. It could be the day that turns your life around to the positive. Or it could be the day that destroys you by moving into the 2nd R – RESISTANCE.
There are many ways we resist. Our upline doesn’t return a call or support us the way we feel they should and we get angry (1st R). We stop talking to them. The not talking is resistance. Communication has been cut off. Prices are being paid. No talking is not the only way to resist. When a person is in procrastination about having a difficult conversation with a down-line or is in confusion over changes in the compensation plan they are in resistance. When we get right about our viewpoint and won’t listen to our upline- the lack of openness is resistance. Make a list of the ways you resist. What are you resisting about your networking business? Who are you resisting? In effect you are resisting in order to be in control.
Here begins a fundamental problem in our belief systems or how you see reality. In live seminars I have one participant sit in a chair and I say put your hands up. I push on their hands. Almost always they push back and almost fall over backwards. Take note of TWO very important things. Number one – they pushed back. Why? Because they are not in control. In this case, most people have a program, a voice in their head that says, “if someone pushes on you, you must push back to survive.” The person on the chair instantly pushes back “to survive.” The problem is they don’t survive. They fall backward and one of our people catches them.
Now comes critical point number two. Your belief is false! Incorrect! You think it’s necessary to push back to survive and not be taken advantage of. But what happened in the chair demonstration? The person pushing back LOST CONTROL! They will fall over backward if they keep resisting. When you resist, you lose control. You lose control, not gain it. Why do our children get us mad? Because they get control! That’s why they do it! And when you have an argument with a small child, how are they five minutes later? Fine. How are you five hours later? Steam still coming out your ears? Why? Because you are resisting reality. A little voice inside you is saying, “it shouldn’t be this way.” But, it is. That’s reality.
What you resist – persists. Let me say that again. What you resist – persists. It prolongs what you don’t want. So, what are you resisting about your network marketing business? Perhaps it is prospecting or follow-up? Dealing with difficult people? Or maybe technology advances that you do not understand? Who are you resisting? What prices are you and others paying for your resistance? No one changes until they see the price they and others are paying is higher than they want to pay. The difficulty is that sometimes the prices we pay for our resistance are difficult to see easily. Perhaps we resist the recognition our upline is getting or the amount of money they are making because of the work we do. What we might not see is that we are paying prices. Perhaps we are generating people in our downline that then resist our coaching. Or maybe it is the time energy, creativity that is lost. Or maybe our children see how we are handling it and they grow up to be the same way. That would be an incredible price as a parent to pay. What prices are you paying for the top two things or people that you are resisting. Actually make a list.
Non resistance is not being a door mat or letting yourself be taken advantage of. That doesn’t work. How can you not resist and not let yourself be taken advantage of. One of the best analogies is Martial Arts – in particular AIKIDO. In most Martial Arts what they teach is not to resist. Let the attacking force go by you and in fact use that force to lay them on the ground. Resist objections in your network marketing business and you become a non- performer. Relate with objections as your friend who is helping you enroll them in the opportunity and you become a top networker. How can you protect yourself without resisting?
That brings us to the final R – Revenge-the attempt to get even. The key word in this definition is attempt. You can not get even. It’s an impossibility. It violates God given laws of this world. But first, how do people attempt to get even at work? In the business world to get even they slow down, take a longer lunch break than authorized, call in sick when they are not, employee theft, negative gossip – all in an attempt to get even. How is it done in personal relationships? The silent treatment, denial of sex, run up the credit card, not do our chores, etc. How is it being done in your network marketing organization? Perhaps we say negative things to our crossline about our upline. Or we won’t edify or build them up. It is repeated a thousand ways.
The key to remember is that the 3R’s are self-destructive. When you resist or revenge it hurts you. What you put out, you get back. What you sow is what you reap. The way I heard the law on the street was – what goes around – comes around. We have all heard it one way or another. How many children do you know who get mad at a parent asserting control and try to get even by getting bad grades? They pay an incredible price for years. Thousands of ex-husbands and wives have done our workshops and start seeing how they have been using their own kids to get even with the other and they have paid a horrific price. The key to remember is that the price you pay does not necessarily come back from the same source. Imagine someone is mad at the government for taking too much in taxes. That’s the first R-resentment. Then they procrastinate in filing-that’s the second R-resistance. Then they attempt to get even by cheating on their income tax-that’s the 3rd R-revenge. I’m not talking about using legal loop-holes. I am talking cheating by changing the numbers or padding an expense report. They live to 100 years of age and are never caught. It looks like they got even. But then we find out they have been working their network marketing business really hard and never got the financial success they deserve. They simply were paid back from another source. They took from the government and got paid back in their business.
Solutions for the 3R’s
So what are some solutions when you find yourself in the 3R’s? Here are two key solutions. (For more, check out my book, If How To’s Were Enough, We Would All be Skinny, Rich and Happy). 1) GIVING 2) OPEN HONEST RESPONSIBLE COMMUNICATION. These are not solutions you feel like doing. But, why live your life by what you feel like doing in the moment? Let what really matters to you make your choices. The solutions are not comfortable if you are in the 3R’s. You want to get even. Giving when in resentment is an abnormal response.
When you give something nice does that mean the person is going to turn around and be nice back? Not necessarily. This is not a manipulative move you are doing to try and change the other person. You don’t control them. So why are you giving? You are giving in order to handle your own 3 R’s. You don’t want yourself or anyone you care for to pay any prices for being in resentment. Suppose you resent someone not giving you the recognition you feel you deserve. If you stay in resentment you may pay prices such as not being as good in coaching your downline, or you won’t prospect as much, or your family might pay a price for you being in a poor mood. The average person gives less when they are in resentment. You don’t want an average income do you? Then learn to be a giving maniac. Give when it is comfortable and when it is uncomfortable. Give when it looks like you will get back and give when it looks like you won’t get back from them. Give when you know the recipient and give to the unknown. Be a giving maniac not to be noble. All nobility is suspect. Give because there is a universal law that says what you put out you will get back. Give to your upline. Buy their lunch. Many distributors go out to lunch or have coffee after a presentation with a top income earner so they can learn from them. That’s good. But then they expect the top income earner to pay for it because they can afford it. They have it backwards. The top income earner is a top income earner because they are a giver. You be a giver and pay for their lunch.
Imagine being in a sleeping bag in a log cabin up in the mountains where it is snowing. Have you ever been so cold all you had out of the sleeping bag was your nose? Then you realize why it is so cold – there is no fire in the wood stove in the cabin. All the wood is outside where it is snowing. So you make a deal with the stove. You tell the stove to warm you up and then you will gladly go outside and get the stove some wood. Ridiculous you say? But how often do we live our life that way? You spend more time with me (stove warm me up) and I will be more loving or romantic with you. And the other person is going, you be more loving or romantic and I will spend more time with you. In the average corporate world you hear managers saying “you work harder, I will pay you more”. The employee is going “you pay me more and I will work harder”. They both have it backwards. In our rush to not be taken advantage of, each is waiting for the stove to give first. Be a giving maniac. Can you find 100 ways you can give to different people today?
Solution number two is open honest responsible communication. Suppose someone is a half-hour late for an appointment and you are upset. You decide to apply this second solution. It might sound like this, “I feel upset. I feel like you don’t respect me when you don’t keep your agreements. I am angry.” Notice that all the communication is from ownership of your feelings. In saying, “I am” you are owning or being responsible for your feelings. If you were to say, “You are making me angry” that would be non-responsible. That would be the viewpoint that something outside of you is at cause. Very simply, you openly shared your feelings without assigning the cause to someone else. This is difficult. You may be afraid of their response. When you do this it is not to change their behavior so that they are timely. That would be nice, but many times the other person will not change. You are doing it so that you don’t hold onto your resentment because you don’t want to pay the prices involved for your being resentful.
Two analogies on open, honest, responsible communication and giving. When I was a child there were stamps you collected when you shopped at certain places. They were called S&H green stamps. As you collected them you placed them in a book and could trade in the books for certain awards. It was similar to today’s frequent flyer programs. Many people treat their resentments like S&H green stamps. They don’t say anything at the time of the resentment. They don’t want to be rude or they are simply afraid. But they do put it in the book. Eventually the book is full and they cash it in. That is when they blow up and there are serious consequences. Release the pressure valve along the way by communicating your feelings, but do it in a responsible way with no blame or shame.
The way you know something is by experiencing it. You only know about something if you can repeat it, but have not experienced it. There is a huge difference. To know this topic, actually experience what we are saying through this challenge. So here is the challenge. Write down the names of two people you have the most resentment towards. Have one of them somehow be connected to your network marketing business. Now write down how you will give to the first person within a week and how you will openly honestly responsibly communicate with the second person. If you are uncomfortable right now you are in the right place. Do it anyway. Do not go by your opinion of what is right or what will work. Go by results. Results are the fairest way to gage anything. Results are often harsh, but always fair. You will feel better! And you will do more business. Now find someone in your network marketing corporate office and give to them. Some of them will FAINT! If you do not know what to give them, ask them what they would like. Become a giving maniac.
Brian Klemmer, was founder of Klemmer & Associates Inc. a character development leadership training company, dedicated to producing bold, ethical, superior result producing leaders committed to a world that works for everyone with no one left out. He spoke professionally internationally for over 30 years and authored four books. The most recent book, The Compassionate Samurai was a #1 business book in 2008. www.klemmer.com 800-577-5447
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